The Path of Forgiveness

Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.

— Nelson Mandela

One of the most powerful, and perhaps elusive, practices is forgiveness.  But it begs some questions.  Will we be safe if we forgive others?  What if we forgive ourselves, will we repeat our mistakes?  Do we need to forgive if we want to be happy?  There’s no point in trying to forgive until we’ve convinced ourselves that it’s reasonable, safe, and constructive.  Otherwise we’ll yo-yo between tastes of forgiveness and the weight of our resentments.

To sort this out, let’s consider why we harm.  Maybe we’re in the grip of anger- attacking feels justified in the moment.  But then we may feel terrible later, and suffer from further division and conflict.  Maybe we’re subject to strong craving, and we can’t help ourselves, but again when that wave passes we may feel ashamed or even realize that the object of our desire wasn’t worth the damage.  And delusion is the root of these patterns- thinking that we can cause injury without consequences, when the truth is that our relationships will suffer.

When others harm us, it must be for the same reasons.  They undergo a temporary wave of negative emotion, and lash out thinking that it will help them in some way, or maybe just out of learned habit.  The underlying impulse is fear- that things won’t be okay unless they protect themselves.  But again, the aftereffect is that others won’t trust them or connect with them in the future.  If we want to mend these cycles of harm and distance, we need to find forgiveness.

The alternative to forgiving ourselves is a fixed sense of a ‘bad’ self.  Consider a judgment you’re holding against yourself for some action in the past.  Sit with it a moment.  How do you feel?  Guilt and shame are heavy, and we feel locked in negativity, making us more likely to react and repeat the pattern.  If instead we are able to shift our stance to one of simple remorse, then we will feel lighter and be more able to act differently in the future.  Maybe we choose to help the healing process by offering an apology or making some sort of amends. 

In order to offer ourself some understanding, we can look to see what our mental state was at the time.  What sort of pain or difficulty were we experiencing?  If we can offer ourselves some compassion, some kindness, then healing is possible.  And in the process of softening to our own flaws, we may soften to the faults of others, and so get less triggered by their bad behavior in the future.  This will make us less likely to continue the cycle of harm, and more likely to offer them compassion.

It may seem that if we forgive ourselves or others, we’re condoning the bad behavior.   But, on the contrary, we are acknowledging the harm that was done, and looking to heal the situation.  Sometimes we need to create a boundary, to stop the cycle.  Maybe we press charges or take the person to court.  But separating ourselves in bitterness feels different from distancing ourselves with care.

If we don’t forgive, we are stuck with an ongoing feeling of dissatisfaction. Consider a harm that was done to you which you haven’t forgiven.  How do you feel when you think of it?  Heavy, tense, constricted?  When we haven’t forgiven, we relive the pain again and again, even if the person is no longer in our life.  We continue to suffer from the past.  If we instead put the resentment down, we may feel light, open, even happy.

To begin the process, here is a meditation adapted from Jack Kornfield:

Take a few moments to relax the body and allow the breathing to settle into a natural rhythm.

Bring an image of yourself into your heart, floating at the center of your chest.  Bring yourself into your heart, and using your own first name, say to yourself, "For all that you have done in forgetfulness and fear and confusion, for all the words and thoughts and actions that may have caused pain to anyone, I forgive you."

Now bring into your heart the image of someone for whom you feel much resentment. Take a moment to feel that person right there in the center of your chest.  And in your heart, say to that person, "For anything you may have done that caused me pain, anything you did either intentionally or unintentionally, through your thoughts, words, or actions, I forgive you."

Slowly allow that person to settle into your heart. No force, just opening to them at your own pace. Say to them, “I forgive you.”  Gently, gently open to them.  If it hurts, let it hurt.  Begin to relax the iron grip of your resentment, to let go of that incredible anger.  Say to them “I forgive you.”  And allow them to be forgiven.

Maybe you don’t feel ready to forgive a harmful action. Only you can decide if it feels appropriate and the time is right.  Try forgiving smaller things, and see how it feels.  If you feel better, practice with something bigger.  Take your time and don’t force anything.

Will our forgiveness cause the person to repeat the behavior?  If we soften toward the person, we might be better able to have a clear conversation about why the behavior was problematic.  When we attack, others get defensive.   But if we approach the person with understanding, they will be better able to hear us and possibly some resolution may be reached.

Forgiveness is brave in that it’s founded on turning toward difficulty, instead of avoiding it or denying it.  It doesn’t solve everything, and it’s not a substitute for boundaries or clear communication.  But if we forgive ourselves and others, we find increased possibility for well-being, constructive change and connection.

Forgiveness is giving up all hope of having had a better past.

— Ann Lamott